As I am writing this our country: The Netherlands is celebrating Pride. And the famous canal pride will be held this afternoon in the canals of Amsterdam. Pride is not about showing off, or provoking: it’s about connection. Inclusion. Being just all of you.
I’ve bounced back from my most challenging few years. The past year was about finding my way back to kindness, speaking a little softer to myself, not pressuring me to feel better while feeling shitty, do more while low on energy. Just be me, whatever felt best at that time. That also meant not spending too much hours in the bar with a cold beer, not doing any late nighters with my friends. I kept to myself a lot. I needed to spend my energy inward. But I also noticed while nurturing myself. Which I have to admit was amazing, I did some serious healing… but it got me to disconnect with my friends. I didn't know how to include them in my process and I was a no-show to my friends.
I have been single for a couple of years now. And met someone earlier this year, which is wonderful (OMG yes! this one), but also very time consuming. I had to be pretty rigid with my time. Once energy is spent I need to charge myself and I love doing that by just being by myself. Read, draw, walks on the beach. So my friendships suffered. And my friends already have a pretty different life from mine. So I find myself a little disconnected. Super happy with myself and my life but at the same time disconnected from my dearest peeps who moved, got married, made babies. So now I find myself having enough energy to get that beer and have an all nighter. No one’s left! Aaaah! I know it’s that age. 30 something.
So I am 34. And I have a boyfriend. My friends all have families, and frankly all of them are struggling with their new roles as a mom. Completely overwhelmed. They find it hard to reach out. Talk honestly about what’s going on. They all feel like zombies! It’s like once you’ve become a mum everything should go according the book and any form of challenge should NOT be talked about. Leading to superficial conversations when I have a chance to see them. Which I don’t do. Superficial. So there’s the disconnect again. But this time I am on the other side. It’s also a good reminder of the fact that motherhood is definitely not for me. This and many other reasons, trust me, that’s all good. But that's another story.
Where do I find those woman no wanting to be mothers? There’s no club for that!
I have to excuse myself for not wanting to have a family. Now I have a boyfriend peeps started asking me again; what about a family of your own? Being single kinda gets you out that loop of questions :P Well, I’ve never wanted any kids. My childhood was not the most easypeasy warm welcoming family kinda thing. A little trauma here and there. And quite frankly, I have learnt what NOT to do, but it doesn’t mean i know what’s the right thing to do. My mind is pretty set about this. I have a child within me that still takes up enough room to love and nurture. And thankfully I stumbled upon a man that doesn't want to become a daddy.
Being a woman does not mean: becoming a mom. Not for me. But this seems to be a lonely path to take. Choosing to have a full life with in depth connections and a blooming career is still not very much accepted. It seems to divide me from my friends. Even though I know my mommy friends feel much lonelier at this point: It take a village people! It does. There’s so much shame. So much isolation! So ask and share and making that connection is always the answer. So many people want to support you. Include your cheerleaders! Like those peeps on the boats celebrating life on those canals today. Don't miss out on the support that does show up. Don't be too proud (because you're ashamed). Just be proud!
So, this morning, I am just thinking about those times. Years back when we all had the strongest bond going on. Partying around the canals of Amsterdam. Having the time of my life connecting to my friends, making new ones. Life was pretty easy in my twenties, social wise. Now we all have social media and never actually see each other anymore. My friends all busy catching up on sleep, taking care of their babies. And I get back to work on my Saturday. There’s always enough to do when you run your own business! So for all of you attending the parade: have a wonderful pride!
Curious about your thoughts on this topic. Please leave them in the comment section below
With love,
Maaike
