It has been a while since I posted something a little more behind the scenes of the studio. The past year has been pretty much a deep pit and it’s pretty hard to find something positive and uplifting to share about business when yours just went down the drain. But I think there have been so many 'after' and 'reflection' stories, it's time to speak up when things are in fact still dark and fuzzy.
In 2016, I signed the papers for the new business: opening a shop and starting my own fabric production has been a long time goal, and I was working my way up to this moment for a couple of years when I decided I had to share the energy and workload to build a strong foundation for this new venture. And so I did. I sat around the table with my new business partner for over a year until it felt like we had talked over and tackled most bumps in the road. We signed contracts, looked for a place to rent with an office space, storage and storefront. And we set everything in motion to get things going. I invested all my savings for renovations, production, decorating the new space. And it was a good energy, things were moving, things got checked from our list. The website was ready to be filled with new products and our store was finished. Then my colleague flaked. After giving a go on our first fabric collection to our producer, a day later she told me she wanted to step away from the business, and she already started to put everything in my name.
The first cracks
During the renovation of our new space already noticed the fair of making decisions for my partner. We had written down our thoughts and expectations before the start but I noticed she did not keep her end of the deal. There had been some discrepancies. Trust was broken. Eventually, I found out numbers were a mess too, and I was glad my gut instinct told me to pull the plug right away. I could not run a store, creative studio and keep busy with productions all by myself, so after our shop finished in February, we only stayed open for two months until things came to an end. We hadn’t even sent out our grand opening invites yet.
The goal
Some of you might know I struggle with fibromyalgia. For me finding another way to earn a living, without having to create every day (but not giving up on the drawing either) was my goal to start this venture. My fingers are not very reliable so I cannot count on my hands to keep drawing for another 10 years. Working on a more sufficient income stream was one of the reasons to get into the process of starting a Little Smilemakers fabric production. My designs are copied so quickly, this was a good way to keep new prints private and only expose them as a finished product. Stay afloat as a designer and keep making a creative living.
The shop was closed a year ago already and has left me empty. Only a giant pit filled with smelly leftover shit to deal with was left. This week my accountant closed the 2017 books. And I had to face it all over again. The financial loss, the financial insecurity that came with investing so much time and energy into the shop and not building the studio. Trusting someone who completely went Houdini on me was another thing to deal with. I felt like I lost my spirit. My little fighter mentality. My determination.
Recovering from scattered dreams
If you have your mind set on something, you take all steps necessary. It is a clear vision that drove me towards building a store for years. And if someone suddenly takes away that future, that vision, and that goal, pretty much everything is up for discussion. It was my own decision to stop, and I think it was the right one. But I felt forced. It is not what I pictured. I was thrown back to my bare foundation. Felt so lonely emptying out the shop, by myself, on a rainy afternoon. And I haven’t shaken off this feeling yet, not even after a full year has gone by. Yeah, sorry this story will not be a very inspiring one. But I receive so many comments from other aspiring designers. Questions about how to successfully build a business. Well, I have felt like a fraud. I don’t have a clue. If anything it is all hard work, determination, setting goals and stay focused, but that’s not all, clearly.
Getting up again
A year has passed, and I am still making up for the financial loss and probably have to keep on doing so for the upcoming two years. My health is getting worse, so long working days are pretty much impossible. That, and the fact that this entire thing has cost me so much energy I can come home completely exhausted after just doing some groceries. So this is not an inspiring story. Just a real one. And I still feel very much stuck in that pit. I have more ‘good’ days that a few months ago. (Breaking your heart is not a very awesome thing to deal with during all this either, minor detail) But I think writing down this story might help some of you that are also not quite ready yet. Stuck in some darkness, feeling lost. Lonely and defeated. Usually, you get out with some big eye-opening epiphany and you look back on it think I survived. There are so many stories they actually make me feel worse, I am simply not there yet. I am not even remotely gone processing this. And that’s OK.
The future
What’s up next is seeing something in my future again. Something that makes my heart tick. Creating a new goal. Going toward something meaningful. It’s times like these when you are thrown to the bare version of yourself. You have to trust your own foundation, and maybe that is what makes it harder, when your foundation isn’t all warm and steady, you have to get that light on all by yourself, it takes a while. I noticed some of the people I had been close with suddenly make me feel worse. They kept asking me why it would feel this mayor. Why I couldn’t just get over it and be happy with what I have. I heard so many things that just made me feel even worse, made me feel I had to apologize for feeling shitty. So at this point, I have stripped my circle to the bare minimum. I have to be OK with myself first before someone tells me they're not OK with where I am right now. If there is any advice I would give at this point is that you can do it alone. It is pretty awesome to get some ‘happy’ injected from others but don’t make other people make you feel even heavier when you’re down. I put some people on hold. Not because they are bad people. I just had to put my own needs first.
I hope with all this said; some of you might find the OK in not feeling OK. For every bad trip, you need time to recover. I am so not there yet. At all. But with the 2017 books closed this now finally feels like a new chapter. Slowly things are moving towards the right direction.
